The nearness of you
by BabyGlambert89
Summary: When the Doctor regenerates, new emotions start to surface within Rose and the Doctor fueled by their closeness. Will they act on them or will each one suffer endlessly in uncertainty?Set after "School Reunion" 2x03
1. Chapter 1

"_**The nearness of you"**_

Chapter 1:Loss and Indecision

After the Doctor said goodbye to Sarah-Jane Smith, he returned to the Tardis closing the doors behind him and the smile on his face disappeared as quickly as it had appeared. It was now replaced by an expression of sadness and surrender to the inevitability of eventually losing his companions. He remembered that all too well. Even though he always hid it behind his playful and happy expression and his eagerness to travel and discover new planets and challenges along the way, he always has and always would know what the inevitable passage of time would mean for him.  
It didn't mean anything for him physically as he had an incredibly long life span (he was currently 904 years old) but that didn't apply for his companions like Sarah-Jane Smith. He smiled at the thought of her. Even though she had said that she had gotten old, she still looked beautiful to him like when he left her.  
Suddenly, the thought hit him like a bullet in the stomach. That was what she had accused him of: leaving her. He dodged the question of course saying that he'd been called back to Gallifrey where humans weren't allowed so he couldn't take her with him and left it at that. It was true of course but that wasn't she meant and he knew it perfectly well: the right answer was that she was right. She had struck a nerve and he made himself shut down completely, involuntarily like a clam protecting itself from its foe.  
How could she understand the struggle he was having within himself, the unbelievable weight that his Time Lord nature was as he watched his companions been spirited away from him by the irreversible and never-ending tide which was Time as helpless as a child? How could she even begin to realize what losing her had cost him, how much of a burden in the universe he considered himself to be in the universe when loneliness crushed him like a huge stone boulder?  
That loneliness accompanied him every step of the way since the destruction of his home planet and the loss of his people, his family and his friends. But, suddenly, he confronted shop window dummies wreaking havoc in a department store in London, took a hand and said "Run!"

Rose had given him a purpose in his life and brought light in his dark soul making him smile at how much alive she was and at her eagerness to see and learn everything she could of the world. In return, he took her in a mind-blowing adventure across the stars and across time itself: he offered her the universe showing her planets, stars and amazing creatures alike. Every time, he marveled at her reactions when they visited a different place showing her the wonders of nature and of the way each species developed and occupied its place in the universe.("in between running for their lives of course", he thought with an almost smile).

Suddenly,however,his relationship with Rose had developed in a rather strange way. Since his regeneration, he had noticed even though pretending not to show it at all. The kiss he had given her to save her of the destructive effect the Time Vortex had on her still lingered on his mind, a thought he tried not to dwell on for too long as it tormented him greatly. It was one of his most vivid memories: the feel of her lips on his and her soft weight in his arms. He swore he wouldn't become attached to anyone and anything as it would bring him only grief. That was why he tried to keep her out of his mind but, despite his efforts, she lingered there like everlasting torment: her sweet smile, her golden blond hair, the sparkle in her brown eyes, her swan-like neck, her slim waist, the curve of her hips…. "No!" he told himself trying to stop thinking of her that way but he couldn't. Especially after his regeneration, he found himself unbelievably drawn to her like a moth to the flame trying as he might to deny it. He thought that sometimes she could feel his gaze on her like a fire burning on her skin and he had somehow tried successfully to control his emotions for some time. But it was becoming increasingly difficult for him as the time went by as, in his eyes; she continued to become amazingly beautiful every time he saw her.  
He had to remind himself constantly to control his raged breathing, the increasing beating of his hearts and the way he looked at her and touched her afraid that he might frighten her enough for her to go running home to her mum.  
Sometimes, he thought that that would be best in order to prevent himself from going insane and, most importantly, to save her from the greatest danger of all: The Oncoming .He had come close to carrying that out several times but realized he couldn't no matter how much he ,he had decided he would keep himself away from her physically as much as emotionally as much as he could dreading what the close proximity would do to him on one hand and, on the other hand, her most certain reaction if she realized what his thoughts were: to call him a pervert and ask to be taken home immediately. Not that he would blame her.  
He hoped however that that his behavior to her in the past week since his regeneration would not upset her.  
Sighing, determined to keep himself occupied to avoid thinking, he ran a hand through his brown hair put on his spectacles and turned to the Tardis console deciding abruptly to give her a full check-up partly in order to make sure she was functioning properly and mostly to quell his sudden impulse to go to Rose's room and see her. If he knew however what was on her mind at that particular moment, he would abandon all thoughts about the Tardis and done exactly that but, regrettably, he didn't.  
So, he kept working.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2: Jealousy and longing

[Meanwhile, in another room in the Tardis…]

Rose had stormed immediately to her bedroom in the Tardis ,while Mickey left saying he would be back once they were ready to leave for the trip the Doctor had promised him earlier; his first proper trip in the that, Rose sighed in disappointment. When she heard Sarah-Jane's suggestion to the Doctor ("Oh, go on Doctor! Sarah-Jane Smith and Mickey Smith. You need a Smith on board!)she almost screamed with , instead,she just shrugged and said to Mickey "Fine! Why not?" and after seeing off Sarah-Jane she rushed to her room for some solitude.  
She hap hoped to relax and get some sleep after their adventure with the Krillitanes had ended ("running for your life can be a very exhausting thing" she thought) but, reaching her bedroom, she suddenly realized that sleep was not an option any time soon as her mind buzzed with thoughts and her heart ached with a whirlwind of emotions unexpressed begging to be let out. She started to circle the room absent-mindedly arranging stuff and putting them back in their original place. She had never been a tidy person and her mum often threatened her that, if she didn't tidy up her room, then she would throw everything out in the street. Rose chuckled at the thought of her mum as she arranged her closet. She did that when she wanted to occupy her mind, to prevent herself from thinking about the same thing for the past few weeks; the Doctor. Not her old Doctor, but the new him.  
Her heart beats increased every time she thought of him; his brown hair, the line which formed on his forehead when he thought, his deep chocolate brown eyes ("which look even more amazing with those glasses of his" she thought dreamily), his mouth…She shook her head trying to clear it of those tormenting and wonderful images but found herself unable to do so.  
She thought of their hugs, warm and affectionate, which she found she enjoyed a little too much remembering the strength and warmth of his body against hers, his arms around her waist sending shivers down her spine, her face resting on his chest listening to the sound of his two hearts beating steadily and taking in his scent committing it to memory…  
She had only realized her feelings for him when she saw him with Sarah-Jane; so at ease, talking and laughing a little too much she had noticed her reaction too and happily started dancing and laughing saying all the time "I told you so!" while she pretended not to notice him putting a fake smile on her face and joked about it while the green monster of jealousy gnawed at her consciousness. Mickey was convinced in the end she thought but she was bubbling up with anger at Sarah-Jane like a wild animal would be when something invaded its territory. She shuddered realizing she now thought of the Doctor as her territory. She dared not admit to herself her desire for him until... what could she do about it? She was incredibly hurt by his indifference of the past two weeks and afraid that she had done something to upset him, that he had found out somehow of her unspoken shameful desire for him and, worse, that he wanted to tell her in a tactful way to forget him, that it wasn't going to happen and that she should go back to her mum.  
She prayed desperately that that wasn't the case, that there must be another explanation for the distance he had suddenly put between them but she couldn't think of any. Sighing anxiously, she started to strip her clothes to take a hot shower that would hopefully help calm her nerves and think of a possible solution to her 'problem'.  
Suddenly, an idea hit her. It was completely mad and very risky what she thought and, if it didn't go according to plan, then it would backfire on her like a boomerang but she made up her mind quickly. She put her clothes hastily back on and, with silent determination, she made her way through the Tardis to the control room deciding to find out the truth once and for all.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3:Massage and Offer**

Rose entered the control room with sure steps only to find it…, she started to look around for him and her unspoken question was answered by a sudden flashing of the Tardis computer screen which showed the library. She understood and muttered "Thanks girl" to which the Tardis hummed in return. Rose then headed to the library. She wondered why she hadn't thought of that sooner. The library was the second room in which the Doctor spent most of his time (the first obviously being the console room doing repair work or setting coordinates for their next destination with enthusiasm). She finally reached the door which was open just a few inches and she couldn't resist peeping through before entering.

The Doctor was lying on the sofa by the fire (indeed, the Tardis had fireplaces! With real fire too! 23 of them like he had told her once. She resolved to ask him sometime how was that even possible but decided to leave it for another time) reading a book. She tried to make out which one it was but couldn't since he was too far away. He had put on his glasses and his dark brown eyes were intensely focused on the book he was holding. He had taken off his pinstriped suit jacket and tie and, in a heartbeat, Rose noticed that he had undone the first few buttons of his light blue shirt. He still had his black trainers off however. Her eyes started to wander from his eyes, his lips which were slightly parted and revealed a glimpse of perfect white teeth to his Adam's apple which wobbled as he swallowed occasionally and, finally, to his exposed collarbone and part of his chest, which heaved in time with his ,even though he was incredibly thin, his body held a fair amount of strength which showed in numerous occasions both in and out of the Tardis; from doing repair work to engaging the leader of the Sycorax in a sword fight to save mankind from the alien invasion and one life of slavery. She shuddered when she thought of how the Doctor looked to her while he was fighting the leader; fierce, determined and with a fire in his eyes that had she had never seen before. Or maybe she hadn't noticed? Especially when he managed to bring him down after taking his sword with two strong hits; one in the belly and one in the back.

She found herself looking for that fire ever since. And she saw it quite a few times; when he snapped at Novice Hame furious about the human lab rats the Sisters of Plenitude kept in a basement in order to find cures for every human disease, his argument with Harriet Jones when she shot the Sycorax ship down using the lasers developed by Torchwood even though they were leaving…She yearned to feel that fire directed at _her_, to feel what it was like. She had realized that, even though he didn't show it often, he was very passionate about everything; from fighting injustice in any way possible to indulging his oral fixation every once in a while. Thinking of that, she smiled in amusement. She shook her head to clear it and slowly opened the door. The Doctor pricked up his ears and brought his head up from the book with a grin noticing Rose enter the room. "Hello!" he said and made room for her in order for her to sit down in the couch beside him. She flopped on it happily and settled comfortably next to him with a copy of "War and Peace" by Leo Tolstoy the Tardis kindly recommended to her a couple of days ago and started to read.

This was one of the few peaceful hours they spent together just enjoying each other's company. Not running for their lives, not having endless boring conversations with Jackie about her increasingly expensive shopping, just relaxing doing something normal. Rose relished those moments more than anything because they gave her the time to observe the Doctor more closely than usual and just...be with , those moments, given their lifestyle, were very rare and she enjoyed them greatly as did the Doctor even though Rose didn't know that. He was lying on the couch with his legs one on top of the other and was once again immersed in his book which, Rose now saw, was a rather huge black leather tome which read "Considerations on the causes of the Greatness of the Romans and their Decline" by Charles Montesquieu in gold letters. Rose sighed and shook her head grinning, turning a page in her own book. "_Exactly what the Doctor would read_" she thought to herself.

Suddenly, the Doctor's feet shifted as he moved to settle them behind her back and Rose winced in pain. The Doctor frowned when he noticed and immediately withdrew his feet and was sat upright with lines of worry on his face. "What's wrong?" "I think I must have fallen off the bed while I was sleeping before." Rose said rubbing the soreness of her neck."Yeah, you must have done», he agreed."You were dreaming, which means you moved in your sleep and fell." "How do you know?" Rose asked nervously. She wondered if he was 'eavesdropping' in her room often. She knew he was telepathic and hoped he didn't do that too often. It both flattered her and made her nervous about what he might have heard. She couldn't remember the dream at all and prayed she hadn't dreamt of **him **again like she was frequently doing nowadays. She almost blushed at the memory of those dreams; they were intense and rather…good in an oh so inappropriate way. She came back to reality with a jolt as the Doctor answered her question.

"You were screaming. I figured, since no other alien life form can enter the old girl without my knowing about it. I thought about checking up on you but…" He trailed off running a hand through his hair nervously. "I didn't wanna disturb you, so I stayed in my room and decided to ask you about it when I would see you." He gestured at her back. "Obviously, you beat me to it." He said with a smile. He turned his eyes to her face questioningly. "Do you remember anything about the dream at all? You sounded pretty terrified to me."Rose tried to concentrate but couldn't bring herself to remember anything. ".Isn't that odd?" she said,settling herself cross-legged facing him full on the face. He shrugged. "Not really" he said. "Sometimes, your mind just blocks off stuff you see in your dreams because they're too scary for you to face when you're conscious. Most of the time though, everyday decisions and problems you face disguise themselves as nightmares and pop! The solution is ready when you wake up!" He noticed her bewildered expression. "Just a little something I learned from Freud that's all." He matched her position on the couch. "Now. Let's see what we can do about those tense muscles of yours shall we? Turn around. "he said. Rose was puzzled but did as he asked.

Then she felt his hand gently pushing aside some hair from her neck as he settled both of them on her shoulders and slowly started rubbing them in order to soothe her strained muscles. Rose's eyes drifted shut as his fingers massaged her shoulders and slowly started working to get rid of the knots in her strained muscles. His hands were a little rough from working in the Tardis too long but they were surprisingly gentle on her skin as he was not applying too much pressure,being careful not to cause her any further pain. His right hand moved to her neck, while the left one started to rub her back. Rose thought she had suddenly died and went to heaven as his long fingers were working their magic on her neck and back soothing, relaxing and caressing her. She wished it would go on forever, even though she was dying to touch him in the same way until he suddenly stopped, to her disappointment,removing his hands and asking "Do you feel any better?" in a voice that didn't sound like him at all; a hoarse whisper. "Yeah, did you learn how to do that?" she managed to ask him forcing a smile on her face and hoping that he thought her slightly flushed cheeks were in that color due to the heat produced by the fire.

He smiled in return and said "From a sultana in Asia Minor, in she was a beauty she was. She was the first ordinary woman who was ever legally married to a sultan, imagine that! He named her Hürrem which, in Turkish, meant 'the woman who laughs'. He was so in love with her that he did everything she asked. She loved him very much ,she was very grateful when I helped her with her son Selim so she, in return, taught me a few things like this since I wouldn't accept the gold and jewels her husband offered me as gratitude. I got very close to getting beheaded since no one is allowed to say no to the sultan. Especially that particular sultan. If it weren't for her who offered to reward me herself, I wouldn't be sitting here right now!" He , his face became serious. Rose could tell he was still worried. "Are you sure you're okay?" he asked staring into her eyes intensely. Without breaking eye contact with her, he took her hand in both of his and said in a perfectly neutral voice. "I think I should stay with you tonight. If err….you don't mind that is." He scratched the back of his neck in uncertainty.

Rose's heart _literally _stopped beating for a couple of , fear, nervousness and a sense of longing swept over her. She liked to feel his presence close to her, made her feel safe, protected but she was still feeling a bit self-conscious as she asked him; "Do you think it's necessary?"He considered that for a moment rubbing his eyes under the frames of his glasses. "Not necessary exactly" he admitted. "I just want to make sure that you're going to be okay and not fall off the bed in your sleep that's all." He paused and added in a tone softer than a whisper "I need to be sure you're safe. You won't even know I'm there. Promise." He straightened. "So. What do you think?"

Rose just nodded in agreement, not sure her voice would sound steady if she spoke. She had not done that with the Doctor since…well, ever but maybe there was a first time for everything. They both returned to their books and spent the next few hours in blissful but slightly awkward silence.


End file.
